Listen, I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm not blaming anyone for the smelly bathrooms I've encountered. I'm not a hero, nor a victim. I once worked at a Taco Bell/Shell gas station, and being the youngster there it was my job to clean the mens room. Did I mention it was right off of I-25? Bathroom duty can be menacing, and frankly just unfair sometimes. Heck, I worked at Taco Bell/Gas Station during the 2nd Chalupa wave of 2000. Some nights I came home numb, and cried in the shower. But, I just can't imagine I'm the only person who's thought "this bathroom smells bad" or had an extreme breath holding session that takes you to the point of possibly passing out. SIDE NOTE- If I pass out face first in a smelly bathroom, please just shoot me.
I will also be rating the bathrooms. 1- Being a complete S***box to 10- I could get married here.
1.) EVERY TARGET IN THE WORLD! I love Target, so this feels like a real d*** move on my part, but I told myself I was going to be completely truthful. I've traveled all across this beautiful country of ours, and I swear to God they all smell like....well, frankly, a turd. Love the store and I've never met a redshirt I didn't like, just please use the billions of dollars I have spent at the "dollar spot" and hire a smell advisor. I'm sure those are real if you're rich enough.
Rating- 1. Forgive me Mother Mary.
2.) I recently had what I would call "an emergency" and had to stop at any place, any home, any synagogue, any gas station, etc, etc. Immediately. I would have knocked children and the elderly over at this point to get to a hole in the ground. Take it all in, folks because you're on the TRUTH TRAIN. Upon entering this particular gas station in Windsor, I saw one bathroom in the corner. At this point I had tears in my eyes, like Steve Prefontaine at the Olympics. I tried to do the cool walk, but the pain was so intense I couldn't even pretend to shop for things I would "buy on the way out". When I opened the door I was like "whoa" because it wasn't one bathroom with multiple stalls. It was just a room with a toilet and sink and that fake pink soap that's just a liiiiittttttle too water-like to be believable. The smell that hit me made me stumble back into a mop bucket that happened to be placed there. I probably should have just s*** in that, but I didn't because I am a lady. The walls had messages in different colored ink like "Live, Laugh, Love" and someone just wrote their phone with a super inaccurate drawing of a what I think was a wiener. But it also could have been a drawing of Ted Cruz. I didn't get a good look because my eyes were watering. Guys, I was in hell. I ran from the store crying in disgust. And as I ran, I could hear the cackles of the employees. laughing because they got me good. This one I made up.
Rating- 7. Fair.
3.) I love good deals! This next place is a favorite of mine, and I could spend hours there perusing the aisles. From picture frames, to witty cards, to goofy dog toys dammit this place has it all. Except a clean bathroom. Name it, and it was there. Skid marks...CHECK, toilet paper on the floor from lazy patrons.....CHECK, That f****** pink soap again....CHECK. Everyone knows that soap does nothing so can we please just stop pretending?!! I'm sure you're wondering the NOCO location I speak of. It's time to rip it off like a bandaid. I'm talking about T.J. MAXXXXXXXXXXX in Fort Collins. I see the dry erase board on the door you sneaky Pete's. Listen, I'm no narc so you don't have to worry about me calling your bosses or yelling it from the rooftop AKA the internet, but I once found a dirty baby diaper facedown on the floor. Things happen of course, but there were more signs. You know when you're ready to use toilet paper and only an inch comes out at a time? Why did somebody put a vice in the toilet paper holder, therefore bringing me to a lever 10 in anger as I wipe with tiny squares. The kind men use after shaving if they cut themselves. By the time you stand up you just have to air dry. Has that happened to me? Yes. Did I still walk out of the bathroom ready to shop for more quality treasures at low low discounts? Yes, but it was more of a side step and then a few shimmies.
Rating-8. The deals are just incredible. I would probably wade thru a river of s*** for an adorable leather jacket priced at $14.99 when regularly it was $79.99! I mean, like. Come on.
4.) Have you ever had a hose on the toilet at home break and spray ice cold water all over your ass, up your back, and if you're positioned just right, your neck or mouth? NO? Then you've never used the bathroom/tornado shelter at Denver's own DIA. For some reason the toilets at DIA have the sloppiest, most angry toilets in all the land. They're like the John Wick 3 of toilets. Whatever the means. I know an airport must face some epic, tai food loving, monstrosities, and it does always seem like employees are cleaning non-stop. It's not the employees it's the angry John Wick toilets! Please turn that pressure knob down a bit....for the Sadster. But I digress. What about when you're only halfway done and the thing goes off? It's like a really loud alarm that sprays cold water on your ass (see above), and it sounds like you're are literally on the Apollo13 sitting next to Kevin Bacon blasting into space. My father once went deaf for 3 days after a trip to Catalina. I'm not saying it was the rage-ful toilets. I'm just like....Hmmmmm.
Rating- 2. Sometimes I forget to close my mouth so when the spontaneous flushes happens and I feel droplets spray slightly into my mouth, it ruins the entire trip because I'm convinced I drank pee. If I leave the bathroom wondering how the pee got from the bowl to my mouth, I have to automatically dock points.
5.) Red Lobster- I almost didn't add this one because I was worried my grandmother would rise from the grave and slap me across the face. She was die hard for all you can eat popcorn shrimp. I cannot explain why the smell of cheddar biscuits only consumes the entire restaurant and not in the bathroom at all. There's like an invisible barrier stopping the progression of the smell. All I know is that it's just a normal bathroom and it smells nothing like biscuits or cheese.
Rating- 7. It would be a 10 if the bathrooms smelled a little more like the cheddar biscuits, and a little less like the shrimp scampi.
Have a great night.